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POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players
needed, for challenging permanent work in anoften chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational
skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include
evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping
sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away
cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs
$5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go
from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the
screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small
gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of
multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings or clients of
all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the
next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap,
plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end
product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR
ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that
those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required,
unfortunately.
On-the-job
training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND
COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay
them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption
that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually
enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health
or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid
holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless
opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and
kisses for life if you play your cards right.
** AND A FOOTNOTE ?
**THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! **
If you are fortunate
enough you will become grandparents!
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